


Hope Without Redemption

by Yuu_Kanda



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-19 18:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4756073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuu_Kanda/pseuds/Yuu_Kanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanda and Lavi are caught in bed together and imprisoned. After the trial, they're separated and thrown in jail; until, unknown days of torture and humiliation passed, Komui goes to Kanda's cell to announce his liberation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. After the Storm

\- o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own DGM. I only own the plot.

 **Genre** : Introspective, Romance

 **Rating** : PG17

 **Pairing** : Lavi/Kanda

 **Warning** : What if?, Angst, YAOI. This story contains male/male relationships, if you are disturbed by it, please refrain from reading.

\- o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o

 

# Hope Without Redemption

 

 

## Chapter 1 : After the Storm

 

Humiliated. Neglected. Prisoner.

That's where fate had led him. How had he arrived at that point?

They had just moved him into what, for sure, would be his new resettlement. A hand tore with violence the black hood in which his head had been shoved into by force – and that was tightened till it almost choked him – as soon as he got in the transport van meant to escort him to his final destination. He staggered in the darkness for a moment, then all of a sudden he fell heavily to the ground.

The insistent drip down the wall behind which his body was laying made him regain consciousness. With great effort, he forced himself to open his eyes to face again the harsh reality and understand where they had locked him up this time. The first attempt to move, though, made him realize that he was tied, in addition to being chained, up to almost prevent him from breathing.

Everything ached: every muscle he strained, every breath of air that filled his lungs, was causing excruciating pangs.

He tried to see what was restraining him better, although the cell in which they had thrown him was almost completely shrouded in darkness. The only ray of light was coming from the slit in the rotten wood door; he tried to crawl towards it. Drops of sweat beaded his forehead from the exertion and suffering the movement was wreaking.

Panting, he examined his body. Bandages. He was wrapped in large white bandages with symbols drawn onto them, that he did not doubt to belong to Crow arts and of which he did well imagine the purpose: seals.

He felt so weak, and his wounds were open and bleeding, a sign that he was healing very slowly, like a normal person. They inhibited the ability to regenerate that the tattoo on his chest gave him, nullified the superhuman strength he possessed. To better keep him under control, to be able to break him.

He rolled toward the farthest wall, bringing himself back in the darkness of that cold and squalid prison. He knew what they wanted from him; since the moment he'd been caught in bed with Lavi. Since the show trial staged at their expense. That was why he didn't say a word, or answer any of the questions he was addressed with. They were demanding Abjuration (2). No, not from him. They would never obtain it from him; he would rather let them kill him like this, depriving him of the skills that they themselves had given him against his very will. Torture did not frighten him.

What scared him, instead, was the thought of what they would do to Lavi, because he wouldn't hold up. Lavi wasn't a real fighter, he couldn't bear the pain the same way he was able to. What would happen to him? Where was he in that very moment? Was he alright?

Kanda bit his lip. All useless questions, he was fully conscious of it, as nobody would provide any answers. Especially since he would never ask. No, he would not give them the satisfaction of seeing him beg to have news of the person who, according to the absurd law of the Church, he was forbidden to love.

They had called them sodomites, forced them out of the bed in which they were sleeping together in the middle of the night, and imprisoned in the Black Order's dungeons waiting on remand. He had been deprived of his dignity and tortured, until they had dragged him in the Council Hall for the trial. He had no doubt that Lavi had been given the same treatment, judging from his condition when he was pushed by force into the room.

They had not defended themselves; what could they say? Komui had spoken in their behalf, failing miserably.

Condemned and separated, that was it; but he knew that the Order could not in any way give up two of the most powerful Exorcists at its service. All this staging was meant to weaken them only to be able to control them again. No, he would not allow it;with him they would not be successful. Never.

Everyone looked at him as if he truly was guilty of something, but he didn't feel guilty at all.

He didn't choose to have those feelings, it just happened. Ignoring them had been in vain and in the end, he had ceded to them all of a sudden, during that mission... on the Ark. Each of the two had believed to have lost the other, and the liberating embrace with which Lavi had managed to almost choke him had proved to be enough to trouble him, to the point of fully overpowering his reticence. He still had no idea who among them had dragged the other again inside that door. He only remembered the amount of passion with which they had kissed, hugged again and then kissed once more, until moyashi's voice had brought them back to reality; the boy had noticed the lone unconscious body on the floor, outside, and started to call out for them.

It was then that he realized how much beyond the point of no return the both of them had come. How useless it was to keep denying it, to resist.

" _Tch_ ," escaped his bruised and bleeding lips. He hated feeling helpless, and yet he found himself locked up in there with the sole company of his memories. And he hated to remember, because he realized that memories were all he had left of Lavi, all he had not to lose his mind.

His lips drew in a bitter grin as he tried to straighten up against the wall. He didn't want to sleep, he knew what kind of dreams would visit him.

 

 

The door opened with a metallic clang accompanied by a dull creak, and one of the Crow gaolers who surveilled him made his entrance with a tray of food emanating a nauseating smell, and a torch.

"Your meal, sodomite." he said with a grin.

Kanda clenched his jaw. No, he would not let this nonentity provoke him, nor he would give the scumbag the satisfaction of eating the slop he was offering to him with such arrogance. He turned his face toward the stone wall of the cell, the smell of mold and rot was far better.

" _Tch_." It was the only sound that he allowed his lips to articulate, the tone contemptuous, his usual trademark. The man in front of him raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"We're still very proud, eh?" he mocked Kanda. "Too bad you're no longer the best Exorcist of the Black Order. Eat it, or you'll never see him again." the Crow added with a chuckle.

As much as anger was mounting inside him like a wave of storm, Kanda forced himself to remain impassive. That bastard, how did he dare to bring up Lavi? What did he know about the feelings he had for him? Kanda kept forcing himself to ignore him, and the man went out with a shrug of shoulders, leaving the tray for him on the filthy floor.

The darkness swallowed the cell again as soon as the door was closed. Once more, he found himself alone with his thoughts, those thoughts that persistently recalled a continuum of memories, now become more painful than the wounds inflicted to him. He couldn't sleep and didn't want to stay awake, not when his every painful breath was pressing to murmur Lavi's name. Why had he not been executed? If only he could have died... there was no other way to silence the memories.

He crawled toward the bowl full of smelly slop, considering whether to give in and eat, in the hope of being able to escape from that place. He tried to bend his arms to grab the spoon, but he found out that he couldn't bring it closer to his mouth, tied as he was. A bitter grin contorted his features: no, he'd never eat like a dog. He collapsed on the floor, turning on his back, staring at the ceiling of his prison.

 

Kanda didn't move a muscle when the gaoler returned to recover the tray, nor say a single word to answer the irreverent question the man addressed him with. He kept staring at the ceiling, as if in a catatonic state, so that the young Crow's face darkened, leaving sarcasm aside to let glimpse a shadow of concern.

Kanda did not care; the bastard could say what he wanted, he would not listen.

"The prisoner is lying on the ground, motionless. Doesn't respond to stimuli." he heard the man tell someone, after he was hit by his boot.

Immediately after, the cell was dark again. How long had he stared at that blot up there, on the wall of his prison? How many hours had passed? How many days, since he had been locked up in there? He had tried to keep track of the hours, but it proved to be useless; the pain, the memories, the anguished dreams that haunted him if he fell asleep had made him lose every temporal reference.

Why couldn't he just stop thinking? The way in which they had been arrested, the disgust in everyone's eyes in finding them tenderly embracing, naked, under those sheets impregnated with the intense smell of sex and sweat, the humiliation of the trial, the desperation of the sentence. Kanda was reliving everything in a continuous loop, to seek refuge in every happy moment spent with Lavi right after. Because, even though he had never admitted to it, what they had become for each other had made him happy, for the first time in his life.

Now he regretted being so terribly stubborn to never show his feelings completely.

 _"I never told him I loved him,"_ Kanda bitterly complained to himself, tilting his head against the cold stone of the wall behind him. _"And it's too late now."_

The cell door opened again, slowly this time, projecting a blade of light inside. The figure that stood out in that light, dazzling for his eyes, accustomed to the darkness of the place, seemed familiar to Kanda, but he couldn't make out who it was.

"How are you, Kanda-kun? I came to get you," the man said, beckoning to those beside him to release the prisoner.

Komui? Why was he there? With what authority was he liberating him?

"Why?" Kanda only asked, certain that the other would understand.

"They cannot deprive themselves of you. They just wanted to punish you." Komui replied, with a tone and look so serious that he rarely had seen his face assume. "But they don't trust you anymore; they will supervise you."

They could do whatever they wanted, for what he cared, as long as Lavi had remained with him. Even if he couldn't ever approach him again, it would have been enough that Lavi was there, that he could see him.

"Where is he?" he inquired, and his tone brooked no refusal. Because it was rather pointless now to pretend that he didn't care, after everybody had known, so Kanda had asked, demanded to know.

"Kanda-kun..." Komui's expression became sad, as if he pitied him, and the youth clenched his teeth to keep himself from exploding in a fit of anger. He knew that Komui didn't mean to offend him, but he didn't want his pity. "Lavi... died." The man finally said, his voice cracking with grief.

Kanda's eyes widened slightly at those words, the obvious astonishment that for once clearly showed on his face.

"You lie!" he roared, yanking the chains that were still imprisoning him until his wrists started to bleed.

"I wish it was so, believe me." Komui shook his head, showing himself pained. "We... didn't expect it. He hung himself with his chains."

No, Lavi would never have done it. It couldn't be true, they were lying to keep them apart! It had to be a Bookman's plot to regain control over his rebel apprentice, there was no other explanation.

"I want to see him." Kanda demanded, his dark eyes throwing a silent accusation.

"They haven't even allowed me to." Komui spread his arms in a dejected gesture. "Bookman is now taking care of the burial."

If he was lying, he was really a great actor. The possibility that Komui's words were true hit Kanda like a boulder. What would he have done then? What sense would his life have, if he had to continue bearing it alone?

"I don't give a damn about Bookman!" he hissed angrily. "Take me to Lavi."

At that moment, the figure that had remained in the shadows behind Komui came forward, the clothing revealing it to be part of the special Corp called Crows, known to be reporting directly to the Central Headquarters of the Black Order. She was a petite woman, with very light brown hair put up into a braid and dark eyes, a sharp-featured face and a resolute expression. Might very well be Inspector Link's sister.

"You're in no position to make demands, Kanda." she cut short the whole discussion, and was moving to come toward the youth, clearly meaning to make him follow them by force.

"No." Komui moved an arm to block her way. "All right, you can see him." he promised Kanda, then turned toward the Crow Inspector. "Release him, and let's go." he ordered by decision.

The woman stared at him as if he had suddenly gone mad, crossing arms over her chest and facing him hard-nosed.

"This is not allowed, even if you're the Supervisor." she objected. "It is not advisable to remove the restrictions, it could..."

"Inspector, we have already discussed this." Komui sighed, adjusting his glasses nervously. "You very well see that he is in no condition to do harm to anyone. Leave the chains on his hands and feet, if you please, but take off him those seals."

The woman pursed her lips in an expression of annoyance, forehead frowning. She seemed to reflect upon the Supervisor's words, then she threw a significant look toward the prisoner.

"Hands will suffice." she muttered, getting ready to undo the spell that blocked Kanda's abilities. Once finished, she removed the chains from Kanda's feet and unhooked off the wall the ones that gripped his wrists, motioning him to follow Komui and tagging along as soon as the young man was stable enough on his legs to walk.

 

 

After the first row of stairs, Kanda began to recognize the place where he was: he had always been in the European Headquarters tower! That's why they had blindfolded him before making him get off the wagon, so as not to allow him to realize that they had turned back!

So, Lavi, too, had to be brought back there. They had always been so close, and none of them knew it! Maybe if Lavi had been told that he was in the tower, too, he wouldn't... no, Kanda would never believe it until he had seen Lavi's body with his own eyes.

He felt that the wounds were beginning to heal, and he was very hungry. After who knows how many days of fasting he was completely exhausted, but by no means he would bend to the Black Order's will to separate him from Lavi.

Komui made his way to the small cemetery which use one of the many courtyards of the Tower was destined to, where seemed to have gathered several people. As soon as he got closer, Kanda could recognize Lenalee and after her Reever, moyashi, accompanied by his watchdog, Miranda and Marie, Crowley... and before one of the crosses, Bookman.

Hearing other people coming the old scholar turned to see who it was, and immediately his attention was all for him. Meeting his gaze, hard and inflexible, Kanda felt his heart stop, because in that piercing glance he read a confirmation of what he feared most in the world. "See what you've done?" Those rimmed in black eyes were saying. "It's only because of you if Lavi is dead." They were also telling him that he would never be forgiven for that.

Kanda's breath caught in his throat; because he himself could never forgive what he did, instead of offer some harsh reply he bowed his head, and, tightening his lips to keep from screaming, he fell to his knees.

"He should not be here." Bookman said, his voice grim, shifting the focus on Komui.

The latter faced him, moving in front of Kanda, heedless of the fact that all those present were wondering why the youth was allowed to be there.

"Has not he suffered enough?" Komui replied in a weary tone. He had struggled with all his strength to prevent this whole damn affair from ending in tragedy, and failed miserably. Now he just wanted to bring closure to it. "Don't deny him a final farewell, either."

Bookman didn't answer, he just stepped aside, casting a sidelong glance at Kanda that was worth more than a thousand words.

Whatever he wanted to say Kanda knew that it would not be enough to erase his guilt; because if loving Lavi was something significant for him, he was certainly guilty of having caused his death. For such a crime he had no excuses, and would it be possible he'd atone for with his life in that very moment.

He pulled himself to his feet and crossed Bookman, limping to Lavi's grave, his ashen face tense but composed, refusing to give more spectacle of himself than what he already did. Yet his tear-filled eyes once again were betraying him, revealing his desperation.

He bowed his head and put his hands on the gray stone cross, tightening his lips hard enough for them to become a fine line, to prevent them from shaking. Lavi's headband was hanging on the top of the jamb (1); he wanted to touch it, take it away with him, but he restrained himself. He couldn't, however, ignore the fact that there was no name to identify who lied buried there.

He saw with the corner of his eye the old man going away without a backward glance, as if this was only a closed chapter of his damn recordings. Anger mounted in Kanda.

"Why is it anonymous?" he asked accusingly.

Komui came closer, laying a hand on his shoulder, and offering a sympathetic smile. He knew how the youth felt, and couldn't do anything for him.

"Order of Bookman." he said quietly. "I'm sorry."

Sure. Lavi was just a mask, for what purpose dedicate a grave to someone who didn't even exist? The Bookmen didn't have a name, he knew it too well. Despite this, to him that particular Bookman's apprentice would be always and only Lavi.

"Leave me alone" he murmured; the voice left his lips flat, toneless, but it was clear that he was not making a request. He set out a fact. To move him from there they would have to use force, and he would oppose until the last drop of blood in his body had been spilled.

Komui didn't expect those words; he was sure that Kanda, as always, would have pretended not to feel anything, that Lavi's death had no meaning for him. Instead, his suffering was evident, although hidden behind the stoic face and rude manner, and the pretension to be alone on Lavi's tomb could only be a prelude to an extremely out of character act. To Kanda showing his feelings had always been tantamount to an admission of weakness. Now that everyone knew about them though, maybe something had changed.

"Kanda-kun, it's not..." the man started, looking for the most appropriate way to tell him that he just couldn't oblige to this. Not now, while they were supervised by Crows.

Kanda interrupted him before he could finish formulating his objection, the expression clearly forbidding. He didn't care for the consequences, he didn't care about anything now, what else they could do to him, worse than all this?

"Go the hell away. All of you." he hissed, his voice rough and menacing. An order that implicitly promised dire consequences if not obeyed.

Their warder, however, didn't seem intimidated, in fact she came forward with decision, interposing between Komui and Kanda.

"That's out of the question, you are not allowed to..." she reaffirmed, but the look she received as a response made the rest of the sentence die in her throat. She sustained that look, astounded, trying to figure out how this young man could still defend what he had done. How could he have the nerve to publicly display the perverse bond he shared with the dead Exorcist with such arrogance, as if he believed to be a victim and not a sinner.

That silent battle of wills went on for several awkward seconds, then Komui interfered between the two contenders, fearful that they might come to blows.

"Please. It's really not the time or place for jumping at each other's throats." he said, glancing significantly at his protégé.

" _Tch_." snorted the latter, without diverting his glare from the one who was there to represent those who had destroyed his entire life.

The object of his hatred sneered, shifting focus on the man who had interrupted their exchange of ideas, but didn't stop surveilling him out of the corner of her eye. She wanted to study the reactions provoked by the words she was about to say, Kanda very well knew that.

"He's pretty arrogant for someone just pardoned, Supervisor," she said in a casual tone, as if nothing of what had happened was her concern. "He has not been released to do as he please, there is a mission awaiting us."

'A mission awaiting us.' Kanda weighed the woman's just made statement suspiciously. Did this perhaps mean that he would have had the Crow as a ball and chain all the time? He liked this perspective even less than the fact to have to go back to being an Exorcist, against his will. Alone.

That last consideration caused a fit of trembling to shake his exhausted body so strong to force him to clench his fists and stiffen, to curb such an embarrassing sign of weakness.

"Inspector, please. We have already discussed this, make an effort to understand." Komui replied gravely. "This is just to give the final farewell to a loved one, what harm is there in granting it?" he continued; he saw the woman's eyebrow skeptically rise, and he would have bet that it was for the definition of 'loved one' referred to Lavi, but he didn't comment on the matter. His priority was to ensure that Kanda could have the opportunity to kneel on the tomb of the only person he ever loved, if he wished to, without being judged again. "He won't run away, if that's what you fear. In addition, your departure is not urgent. I will illustrate this mission tomorrow."

An adverse grimace crossed the Inspector's face, who let out a sigh laden with resignation.

"You are more stubborn than him," she said in exasperation. "Fine. He can be alone with..." she made a gesture toward the headstone with her arm, searching for words to describe the situation "the deceased," she finally said "but no more than half an hour. I'll be waiting inside for him to be done."

Kanda gave no sign of consent to the proposed conditions, he simply turned back toward the tomb they said to belong to the only person dear to him, the only one he had ever truly loved.

Komui gave a nod of his head and gestured to those present to move towards the interior of the tower. He waited until everyone obeyed, and the Crow Inspector with him, then he threw a last glance at the youth behind them. Kanda had not turned around; he was keeping his gaze fixed on the headband hanging on the cross, slightly shaken by the wind. His expression was hard and impassive.

Komui shook his head grimly, showing the woman who was with him the way out of the cemetery.

As they had returned into the tower, the woman stood in the hallway adjacent to the graveyard's entrance, inside enough not to be within sight and just as close to the door to be able to guard her 'prisoner'. She leaned her back against the wall, crossing arms over her chest.

"Inspector?" Komui asked, realizing that she didn't slip over to talk. She expected him to keep going, leaving her there, waiting for Kanda.

"Oh, do not mind me, Supervisor" she said with a sly smile, "I will manage. I'll see you later to discuss the details of my stay here."

Komui gave her a suited smile. Just as he feared; as for every good Crow, this inspector, too, had no intention to grant trust to anyone, much less compassion, to the man she had been assigned to. Rules came before all.

"Don't be too strict with Kanda." he commended quietly. She raised an eyebrow. "It's an ugly moment to face up to him, make an effort to..."

"To understand; you have already said it." the woman concluded in his place.

Komui didn't really expect her to, but it was worth a try.

"Inspector." he greeted, preparing to return to his duties, but it seemed that she was not yet satisfied, because she called him back.

"By the way, Supervisor, don't you think that it is inappropriate to bury a suicide in a Christian cemetery?" she asked point-blank.

Komui dropped his shoulders, dejected; he had to expect this, the rules, the rules again. Couldn't they think of anything else at all? He half-turned back.

"Inspector" he said, a hint of bitterness in his voice, "we're leaving this place, I have to remind you. In a few days that will be deconsecrated ground, so I don't see the problem; but if you believe that the other deceased may resent Lavi's presence next to them, you can always arrange for their transfer to the cemetery in the new Headquarters."

"Komui!" the woman called after him, seeing that he was leaving without waiting for her answer. "Contain your sarcasm and take care of closing this affair, instead!"

The man didn't answer, he just give her a wave of his hand as he walked away.

 

\- . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - .

 


	2. A Soul on Knee

\- o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o -

**Disclaimer:** I don't own DGM. I only own the plot.  
**Genre:** Introspective, Romance  
**Rating:** PG17  
**Pairing:** Lavi/Kanda  
**Warning:** What if?, Angst, YAOI. This story contains male/male relationships, if you are disturbed by it, please refrain from reading.

\- o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o - . - o -

 

#  **Hope Without Redemption**

 

**Chapter 2 : A Soul on Knee**

 

Kanda kept staring at the cross and the headband hanging from it even after he was certain to be finally alone before Lavi's tomb. He knew that somehow, they were watching him, and he would not allow anything.

Not a lament, or a sign of desperation; least of all, a tear. He would give no one the satisfaction of seeing him broken, never again.

As much as he wished to let himself fall to his knees and embrace the unmarked grave, he resisted stubbornly. It was all that remained to him of Lavi. All that remained to him of his entire life. But he couldn't allow them to use it again against him.

The whole of them had no idea how long it took him to stop hating Lavi for the way he made him feel, to stop hating himself, too, for how he felt when they were together. To stop feeling dirty after every time Lavi had touched him. And now, they wanted to make him believe that Lavi had abandoned him, that he had killed himself, just like this, without a reason.

No, there wasn't a single chance that he did, in so unlikely a way, no less. Lavi must have been killed by them, and if he was right, he wanted to know the whole truth. Because, Bookman's presence, his expression...

Kanda's face twisted in a bitter grimace. He would remain there, standing, as long as his legs continued to support him. They would have to drag him away by force if they wanted him to separate from Lavi.

He tried to empty his mind of all memories to prevent himself from giving in to the inner turmoil that was consuming him from the very moment Komui brought him the news.

He lost track of time, suspended between not wanting to think and his regret for what hasn't been. Then, the rain began to fall, rousing him from the trance-like state he had fallen into. He blinked his eyes a few times, unsure if all of it was real. The grave was still there, in front of him.

Everything was true. He felt his hair wet, and the first drops slipping down his pale and drawn face. He raised his head towards the sky. He didn't care. He didn't give a damn fuck if within a few minutes he would be completely soaked.

Kanda just thanked the rain for offering him a way to finally vent to all his pain.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Komui looked at the time. An eternity had passed since he had left Kanda and the Inspector alone. He hadn't received any news yet, and this worried him a lot. What could have happened for someone so obsessed with protocol would be this late?

He just had to go and find out for himself. Komui sighed loudly; he stood up from his chair, putting his loyal cup of coffee down on the desk, and left his office, walking briskly towards the wing of the tower where the cemetery was located.

He found the Inspector looking outward, exactly where he had left her. This meant...

He approached the woman, focusing his gaze to overlook the direction she was facing, and the spectacle that presented itself before his eyes was something that he just hadn't expected. Kanda was still there, motionless, with his head bowed in the pouring rain. Stiff as a corpse, staring at Lavi's grave in exactly the same way as when he had left. Komui's heart sank.

"Has he... been standing there the whole time?" He asked, voice uncertain, before the Inspector turned around to look at him, having heard him arrive. "Why didn't you take him away?"

Komui expected some haughty or denigrating response; instead, the expression that met his own perfectly mirrored the sadness that had invaded him. Even a Crow could feel compassion?

The woman shook her head, showing a hint of a bitter smile.

"I wanted to do it," she admitted, "then I thought better. I don't..." She started to say, and then stopped, looking back towards Kanda. "It's just that he seems to be... devastated. I mean, his reputation... well, that's not what I expected to see. If it wasn't for the rain... I'd say he's crying."

Komui took off his glasses, that kept slipping down and he kept pushing up, pretending to clean them.

"And what did you expect?" He asked accusingly. "They have ripped his heart out of his chest. He's a human being, too," he concluded, heading out in the rain to reach Kanda.

The Inspector didn't follow him, judging that, at that very moment, if someone could convince the youth to head back, that man was Komui.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Kanda-kun," someone called from behind him, and Kanda roused out of it, opening his eyes wide for a moment, taken aback. "Come back inside. You're soaking wet and you need to eat. After you do this, you can rest." Komui gently put a hand on his shoulder, and Kanda met his gaze with an absent look, as if he wasn't aware of the place where he was. "Come on, let's go." Komui urged him, seeing this.

Kanda nodded weakly; reluctantly, he allowed the other man to lead him away, far from Lavi's tomb.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He could see the looks that every Finder, every scientist of the fucking Black Order was addressing him with, even those who once called themselves his friends, the other Exorcists. Astonished and horrified at the same time, embarrassed to meet him and uncomfortable even just to pass beside him. Only Lenalee seemed to be an exception: her eyes were full of understanding. The kind of understanding that can only come from the knowledge of the other's pain.

No one spoke to him while Komui and the Crow Inspector were leading him to the cafeteria. No one dared to even sit at adjacent tables, while he ate with that woman's eyes pointed on him.

Jerry was the only one who had the temerity to ask Kanda how he was doing; to tell him how much he was saddened for what happened to Lavi, despite the scorching look immediately cast at him by the Crow warder.

Kanda replied with a sarcastic grin, if he had spoken, his voice would have betrayed him. He wasn't ready to resume dispensing his usual icy and averse comments.

But he was ready to demand those explanations which he had been thinking to all the time, since they had taken him out of his prison cell. So, he didn't protest when Komui asked him to be followed to his office.

The man sat down at his desk, cluttered with heavy paperwork, again with a look way too serious for him. Kanda hadn't seen the man maintaining such a responsible attitude for so long since the day in which the tower had been attacked.

"As I mentioned, you have been reinstated." Komui said, trying to look professional in the eyes of the Inspector, who was carefully listening to his every word. "I'm going to illustrate the first mission to which you have been assigned as soon as you're rested, in a couple of..."

"I don't give a damn of your fucking missions!" Kanda hissed angrily before the man could finish, surprising him. "I want to know the truth. Lavi can't have committed suicide, let alone in so absurd a way. Do you think I'm stupid? How can you hang yourself when you're chained to a fucking wall? They have killed them!" He added without changing his voice tone, turning toward the Inspector with hatred and pointing an accusing finger at her. The woman gaped, and the objection she was about to make died in her throat.

"Kanda-kun..." Komui began, and Kanda read in the man's eyes how much he was grieved for him. No, he didn't want his pity. He couldn't bear it. He clenched his jaw trying to regain control, and tell them with his best lethal voice that they all could go to hell for what he cared, when Komui resumed to speak. "Unfortunately, this is the truth. I would have preferred not having to explain to you such a thing. If the distance from the ground is greater than the length of your torso, gravity does the rest."

Kanda took a step back, staggering as if he had just been struck by an Akuma bullet. His expression went from anger to dismay, and then it was promptly replaced by the ice mask with which the youth used to pretend not to feel emotions; that nothing could shake him.

"Are you telling me that Lavi had passed the chain around his neck, and let his own weight suffocate him?" He asked, incredulous.

"Yes." Was the answer he received from Komui.

For a long moment he thought he had heard wrong. He stood in silence, while his brain was trying to process the information. No, impossible, Lavi would never do such a thing! He would never have left him alone, not even if he had thought to be guilty of them being arrested! They were lying, all of them! Then the realization hit him like a bolt of lightning, and his eyes widened slightly in shock.

Lavi had done this so he could be free. They would never have released them both, not with the risk of them continually attempting to flee to meet each other. By taking his own life, Lavi had guaranteed him freedom, a new beginning.

His knees almost buckled, and only his incredible willpower allowed him to keep his pride, remaining stubbornly standing, rigid, hollow eyes and pursed lips. A shudder ran through him, and Kanda seemed to rouse from a bad dream; a terrible, frightening nightmare.

He swallowed hard, returning his gaze to the Supervisor.

"I... need to... sleep..." he said with difficulty, as if thinking cost him a superhuman effort. "Send... someone to apprise me of... the mission."

Kanda started to turn and leave, but the Inspector immediately was by his side, overtaking him and interposing between him and the exit.

"We have not finished yet," she said calmly. "You're not going anywhere, alone."

Kanda suddenly had a pretty clear picture of his current situation. Had he ended up becoming like moyashi? Necessary but unreliable? Slowly, he returned to meet Komui's gaze, on his tried face clearly readable only one, mute request.

"Kanda, I'm sorry, believe me," the man said, shaking his head and opening his arms wide in an eloquent gesture of helplessness. "You'll have to get used to her."

Get used... to her. Had he fallen so low then? What they were afraid he could do? Kanda was not sure that he actually wanted to know the answer to the question he was going to ask, but he formulated it nonetheless.

"What does this mean?" He inquired with a stern voice.

"From now on you will share your room with the Inspector." Komui informed him. "She has been assigned to you and..."

At that point, Kanda exploded. Would he have to spend every moment of his fucking life with a Crow surveillant ? Why couldn't they just leave him alone and go all to hell?

"No fucking way!" He growled, preventing Komui to finish the sentence. "I don't want to sleep in the same room with a fucking woman always in my way, I hate..." And, as pronouncing this last word, knowing what others would follow, Kanda realized the real reason why they wanted to keep him always under control.

"That's it, then?" He exclaimed bitterly, bringing a hand to his face to cover the sardonic grin just starting to twist his features. "They sent a _woman_ to supervise me to make sure I won't go to bed with the first man that happens to come within my range? It's fucking this?"

"Precisely." Confirmed the Inspector, who, until that moment, had let Komui lead the conversation.

At this point, Kanda _really_ didn't give a damn about what would happen to him, or what could happen to the whole world if he refused to continue fighting as an Exorcist. Living without Lavi had no meaning for him, and he would no longer sacrifice himself for the Black Order. Nevermore.

"Fuck you all!" He shouted, facing hard-nosed his new jailer. "I don't share my room either with her, or with anyone else."

Komui sighed, waving to the Inspector to not reply. She didn't seem at all pleased to be silenced, but nodded with an annoyed grin, waiting to hear what the Supervisor wanted to throw on the negotiation table.

"Kanda-kun, please, it's part of the agreement for your release," Komui explained. "I can move you in a room with an anteroom, but the Inspector must remain with you all the time," the man proposed; after receiving the youth's assent he turned to the second party concerned, offering a peacemaker's smile. "Is it acceptable for you to sleep in the adjacent small room?" He asked. "One entrance."

"Agreed," consented the Inspector, exchanging a meaningful look with Kanda. "Let's go get your stuffs."

"Wait, there's one more thing to discuss," Komui called them back with a concerned look, standing up. "You will also agree with me, Inspector, that Kanda is not able to leave immediately. Tomorrow we will run all the medical tests of the case, and only after we'll discuss this so urgent mission."

The woman just nodded, then saluted formally, gesturing Kanda to precede her. Komui exhaled a long, loud sigh of relief. At least part of the problem was dammed. For the moment.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He needed a bath first, Kanda deemed, as he walked toward his old room; he absolutely had to wash the cell's stink, dirt and dried blood off himself. Only after that, would he allow himself to sleep. Assuming that memories would leave him alone at least for those few hours, and avoid visiting his dreams. Who knows if there was some vial left of _that_ oil of... He bit his lip even just for having thought of it, because Lavi's image immediately appeared before his eyes. He shut them hard for a long moment, trying to banish the thought.

Arrived in front of his room Kanda hesitated, before finding the strength to push the door open and going in. He expected that the Order's minions had rummaged through his things; instead he found that nothing had been touched since the day he and Lavi were caught together in that bed, his bed. The sheets were still thrown on the ground and a strong musty smell permeated the room. He took a step forward, then a second one, directed to the closet to grab a change of clothes.

The Inspector said nothing, merely observing him, and Kanda knew that she was evaluating his reactions. He clenched his jaw imperceptibly; he wouldn't allow her to read again his pain, as deep as it could be he had always been a master at hiding it. He restored the impassive mask that his face normally wore, before his non-life turned into a non-death. And maybe there wasn't much difference between the two things, analyzing them closely, but what could it matter in the end?

Kanda rummaged in a drawer, grabbed a pair of pants and a white shirt, and then his boots. Until that very moment he hadn't even realized he was barefoot... He made an annoyed sound and his face twisted into a bitter sneer, as he passed over the Inspector with the clothes in hand.

"Hey! Where are you going?" She protested, immediately hurrying after him.

"Bathroom."

The woman raised an eyebrow at the lapidary response she received, and Kanda smirked again. If he had to deal with a surveillant, that didn't mean that he would address her with more words than necessary; nor would he grant her whatever kind of intimacy with him. They were enemies, and he would make it clear from the very beginning.

Once at destination, he opened the glass door that lead into the shared bathroom, turning slightly toward the unwelcome presence behind him.

"Follow me inside, you're dead," he promised.

Kanda took particular care to use a tone that left no room for doubts about the foundation of the threat he'd just uttered, and didn't wait for a response. He crossed the threshold of the changing room and proceeded to close the door with a careless gesture.

The woman gave him a smug look, crossing her arms and leaning back against the wall; it wasn't a problem waiting outside, she would make sure that no one else come in.

Once alone Kanda put his clean clothes inside the locker and took off the dirty and ragged ones, throwing them unceremoniously to the ground, opening the second glass door right after and stepping into the large bathroom. The steam inside it hit him, giving him a pleasant feeling of warmth; a feeling that was soon replaced by the unpleasant one of regret as soon as his gaze fell on the large square bath filled with hot water. Lavi's ghost calling him immediately appeared in that water. Kanda froze. How many times had they lingered in the bath together, just for the pleasure of being able to stay close a little longer in an innocent way?

The corners of his mouth curled into a bitter grimace at the memory. He put the towel he had taken in the changing room on the edge of the bath and went to the opposite wall, on which were installed a few showers. Slowly, he began to wash himself. His body was now completely healed since when the Crow seals had been removed from it, yet, touching his skin he still felt the pain of each wound. The caked blood slowly melted, creating a crimson stream that disappeared into the grate on the floor, a few feet away from him. Kanda sighed softly: now it was time for his hair.

Sitting in the large bath didn't give him the peace he hoped. As much as he tried to relax in the hot water, he wasn't able to erase the memories whom those simple gestures were connected to. He remained immersed a few minutes that seemed ages, then sprung up, and, after wrapping his long hair in the towel, he headed to the changing room to take a second one to use for his body.

Kanda came out with his hair still damp free on his shoulders, the Inspector noticed, but otherwise perfectly dressed. The looks he received, however, were the same as when he wore torn clothes, as they walked along the way that led from the bathrooms to the housing. Kanda seemed not to notice, but she was certain that instead he knew exactly how he was deemed.

"We need to establish some simple rules," she said, once arrived in front of the room that they would occupy before the final transfer to the new European Headquarters of the Order, in London.

" _Tch._ "

It seemed the only answer that Kanda was willing to give, no matter what the question was. Well, she would be satisfied, at least until she had conquered a minimum of trust from the youth.

"The only person entering this room is you and you only," she warned sternly, pointing to the door. "You never get away from me without permission or talk to anybody if I'm not there and..." The Inspector was going to add something, but received an exasperated look that made her stop. It was only a moment, then Kanda went back to ignoring her, opening the door as if he didn't hear at all what she had just said. Stubborn, just as she had been warned he was. "What's wrong?" She asked in a way that, in the ear of the person to whom the comment was addressed to, sounded very close to sarcasm. "I know you enough to be aware that you will try to..."

"Try what?" Kanda growled, turning suddenly to her, indignation clearly visible in his dark eyes. "You can know _what_ I am, especially now, but you can never know _who_ I am. Never, you hear me? Now leave me alone."

The door closed with a dull thud, leaving in front of it a very disconcerted Inspector. It was as if the youth in the other room didn't acknowledge the seriousness of the situation he was in. She sat down on the bed that was prepared for her in that atrium, abiding to listen. As much as she concentrated, she couldn't catch any sound coming from the place where her surveilled Exorcist had just disappeared angrily into. Not a movement, not a whimper. Was it possible that... She sprung up, rushing to the peephole that she had requested to be dug in the door: no, Kanda wasn't trying to kill himself.

The youth was sitting on the ground, hair still loose and his back against the bed, arms hanging limply at his sides and eyes staring somewhere on the wall in front of him. Through that small loophole the woman couldn't evaluate his expression, but judging from the attitude he was keeping with his body she didn't doubt that it was completely absent. Was he lost in his memories? How could this man, Lavi, have meant so much to one as insensitive as everybody said he was? Again, after seeing him in the little cemetery, she wondered if actually he was silently crying.

It wouldn't be easy to tame him, to force him to forget.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The next morning, when he emerged from the room, the youth looked drained. He hadn't even combed his hair in a high ponytail as he usually did, he had just tied it low right behind the nape of his neck. The Inspector was surprised that he didn't put up any kind of resistance when she ordered Kanda to follow her to the medical wing laboratories. His blank expression, as if the world around him was not his concern was, per se, enough worrisome, but the way he passively subjected to any medical test made it all the more strange. He looked like a doll, with that empty stare and mechanical gestures; the youth obeyed silently without protesting.

"Everything's fine." Komui confirmed after a few minutes. He expected some questions, instead Kanda merely got his shirt back on, and he couldn't help but give him a worried look, which the young man pretended not to notice.

"Well, I guess we can leave tomorrow morning, then."

The Inspector's comment arrived on time, just as Komui expected. He nodded, without taking his attention off Kanda, who, once again, did not show any sign of having heard.

"Yes. Kanda's Innocence is ready, I will bring it to him later, after our mission briefing," Komui replied.

If the approval he just gave to their departure hadn't had any effect, the mention of Mugen made a flicker appear in Kanda's eyes, Komui ascertained with a certain relief. So, he was behaving this way just to annoy his surveillant; that was good news, decided the man.

The inspector exchanged a meaningful glance with the Supervisor and motioned for Kanda to follow her.

"Perfect. We'll see you in a couple of hours in your office," she answered. "Make sure you won't be found asleep."

As soon as they were gone, Komui sighed.

"Reever, send someone to call for Lenalee, I need her to look for a couple of Finders," he commanded to one of his scientist assistants, leaving the room in turn.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The Inspector didn't know how to consider Kanda's current behavior; too docile, even obedient. He even wore his uniform spontaneously. A strange reaction, truly, for someone like him. Perhaps he was only considering a way to handle the situation. In any case, she would find out very soon, given that they would be leaving together the next day.

For now, she just had to watch him and take care that he'd feed himself properly. Concerning this, it was just time to go to the cafeteria, before the meeting with Komui.

Kanda had decided to put a brave face on misfortune, at least as long as he didn't get further clarification about Lavi. So, behaving as a perfect soldier was his way to wait for the right opportunity to investigate on his own. He still could _not_ believe that...

His thoughts were interrupted by his surveillant's call to go to eat. Even to that, he didn't object.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The mission briefing proved itself to be identical to all others he had had, as Kanda expected. Strange phenomena to investigate, probably caused by the presence of a fragment of Innocence on the site. Why there was all this urgency to leave, Kanda just didn't understand. He listened in silence to every detail, indifferent as usual, but when Komui told him that they would no longer be returning to this Headquarters, his body was shaken by a shiver. No, he would _not_ leave without giving a final farewell to Lavi.

Just out of Komui's office Kanda quickened his pace, leaving behind the woman who was talking to him, and clearly heading to a place different from the one to which she intended to go.

"Kanda!" She called him loudly. "Where are you going? It seemed to me that I've been very clear about the fact that you can never get away from my supervision."

The youth turned around, facing her determinedly. He would obey everything, but only after saying goodbye to Lavi. The Inspector had to have figured it out that very instant, because her face changed demeanor and she shook her head disapprovingly. Oh, no, Kanda didn't really want to hear a sermon about his deviant feelings just at this moment. He wouldn't even give the woman time to open her mouth.

"I don't want to run away, if that's what you think, Inspector," he pointed out in a sharp tone. "You know where I'm going, save the useless words you were going to say, because I do _not_ give up."

A bond so strong. Could it be real, the feeling that the young man in front of her purported to feel towards another man? Or was it, as she had been taught, only a heresy? Yet, Kanda seemed ready to do anything to go that one last time on the grave of his lover. Being a member of the Crow corps was sometimes very difficult.

"I'll trust you," she said with some reluctance "Don't make me regret it."

She received an impatient snort in response, as Kanda turned around and resumed to walk briskly towards his destination. The woman sighed. She was beginning to have doubts about her ability to handle this job. She had to talk about it with someone who could give her some advice.

-.-.-.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little insight on how was considered a homosexual relationship back in 1800 years.
> 
> I was told that many people don't know how bad was the situation (especially in Europe) during those years, when sodomy was a crime punished with death – usually on a pyre, but that could change from country to country – and after 1835 with prison. The last execution for a sodomy crime was in England, in 1835, by hanging; after that, the punishment was turned into prison in many European countries, and the death penalty remained only if there had been rape.
> 
> Sodomy was considered a crime against nature, and the Church helped that a lot with its teaching, condemning each and every sexual practice that wasn't intended for procreation.
> 
> While in the past men-to-men relationship were common, like in ancient Rome or Greece, after the Catholic Church started to rule over Europe its teaching radically changed people's way of seeing this and everything connected to sexual behavior. People indulging in homosexual behavior had to stay hidden and pretend, if they wanted to live peacefully. Any tiny scandal and the Puritan next door would turn you in to the authorities.

**Author's Note:**

> Final Notes:
> 
> (1) The vertical arm a cross is composed of in latin is called 'Stipes', which means jamb.
> 
> (2) Abjuration: the act of Abjuration (from Latin 'ab iurare', renounce an oath) is a document used by the Church at various times by which a person (or group of people) formalizes a statement with their apostasy, that is, the rejection of a previous belief, affiliation or simply of an action they did against God's Law in the Church's eyes. It was usually obtained under torture.


End file.
